a post from my other blog: 11/14

when it comes to weight loss, it isn’t just going to happen, i understand that. i know. and i have these moments that i think i am making a break through? but really it’s like 5 seconds of confidence and the next day i’m crying over it again.

i need to find SOME way to just say FORGET THE NUMBERS. forget them, they do not matter. stop logging on my fitness pal, stop jumping on every scale i see, stop trying on old clothes saying “DO THEY FIT NOW???” i need to just f-ing stop.

why do i make it about the numbers? i couldn’t even tell you.

does the number of how much i weight mean i am unhealthy? just because i weight this does it mean i’m a disgusting person? that i don’t take care of myself?

the amount that i weight isn’t who i am as a person. 

the number doesn’t do my homework, it doesn’t do my job for me, it isn’t in a relationship with my boyfriend. so why does everything revolve around it?

i could not answer this question for you because i really have no idea myself. 

i wish it was just that easy to let the number go and work out and eat right for other reason, for the REAL reasons i should be doing it. to be healthier to live longer, whatever.

but i am not eating this way for fun i’m not working out for fun. i am doing this with a goal in mind. to LOSE WEIGHT. is that happening? no.

i would like to say i am doing this because i like it but no one LIKES counting calories no one LIKES worrying about what they’re eating next, if there is enough options, how much fat is in that, how much whatever.

numbers. numbers are literally taking over my life.

4 weeks after i started with my trainer i lose 13.5 inches, and zero pounds.

well that’s cool i lost 13.5 inches but wait….f- the inches…what do you MEAN I DIDN’T LOSE ANY WEIGHT???

yeah. that is how i reacted essentially.

then i told myself well that is SOME progress i will focus on those numbers.

nope. yet again.

the numbers creep back in and ruin my life.

what will it take for me to just stop. calm down. and forget about any numbers associated with any kind of weight loss? seriously.

why can’t i just focus on going to the gym 4 times a week just because I ENJOY THE GYM?

i bought myself new work out clothes, i feel super good about myself in them. confident. i look good in them. thought it would be good for me to have a reason to go.

i thought that i looked good in the clothes, so i don’t need to feel self conscious about going to the gym because i LOOKED GOOD. I FELT COMFORTABLE. those things matter. but after a while that will get boring and i probably still wouldn’t have lost any weight and yeah. then i’ll give up probably.

my trainer says that if they going 4 times a week to the gym for 4 weeks doesn’t work, then she is changing my goal from getting to the gym 4 times, to losing 5-8 pounds a month…. well awkward because i haven’t lose 5 pounds in 4 months so this should be fun

i don’t know where i am getting with this

but i am annoyed

and i hate numbers


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