Thoughts about then and now.

First, I’m going to tell you about my week so far. It’s been a pretty decent one. I have had short days at work so I have had a chance to relax. I worked with my trainer today which felt really great, and I also had a great day with food. I had extra ww points left over so I gave myself some wiggle room and had some M&M’s, but I don’t feel bad about it. I went grocery shopping, which is one of my favorite things do to. I got everything I need. That is one of my favorite feelings. If I don’t have the foods I need in the house, I feel completely unprepared and then I get stuck when it comes to what I need to eat! When I have everything I need for meals, it makes everything much easier for me.

My favorite thing to eat for breakfast, as I am sure I have posted before, is either 100 calorie Greek yogurt with the apple cinnamon Chex, or the 1% fat Friendship whipped cottage cheese with a nectarine chopped up and mixed into it. They keep me full for a long time! I got avocados and tomatoes because I have been wanting to make a salad with the two with just a little salt and pepper before summer is over. I got my laughing cow and balsamic because they’re two other staples in my diet, and then I stocked up on boca burgers, chicken sausage, and some veggie hot dogs to try!
For dinner tonight my mom made a delicious salad with crab meat, tomatoes, edamame, and balsamic and I would highly recommend it. I had a bagel thin on the side with it because I was extra hungry (hence the out of control portion size).
I packed my breakfast and lunch for tomorrow. I picked the cottage cheese for breakfast, and a boca burger for lunch with a broccoli slaw and corn salad with balsamic. I also packed myself one of those Diet Dr Peppers I love so much. I think I may have to pack one more thing for myself because I want to go to the gym and get in some cardio. I really need to get my ass into gear with this, enough is enough.
After my session with my trainer, we got to talking about cardio, and how much I hate it, and where I would like to be. I have a family reunion and also (probably) a high school reunion coming up in the fall so I really have to step this process up if I want to look as good as I can for these things. While we were talking though, we also talked about just how far I have come. A year ago, I wouldn’t wear shorts because I was embarrassed about how I looked and what people would think. I wouldn’t wear any tank tops for the same reason. It took me months of working out to realize no one cares but me. No one looks at me and sees the little nit-picky flaws that I see, but if they do, they see someone who is at the gym doing something about it. 
I not only look like a different person, but I feel like a new person. In October, I was so unhappy with what I was looking at in the mirror, I would cry at the gym. I would cry when I saw pictured of myself. I had so many of these moments I never wanted this to happen again. Shopping was the worst thing that could ever happen to me, and then when I felt bad, I covered it up with more food and more food, and then I felt bad for eating. It was absolutely no way anyone should be living. I also realized I was the “fat” friend. I was not comfortable anywhere or hanging out with anyone.
I used to be so confident and that little something I used to have all went away.
I feel it all coming back now. I love to shop again, I do my outfit of the day because I am proud of how I look, and also so I will have daily progress pictures so 2 years from now I will REALLY see how far I have come. Also, so I can see how clothes fit differently every time I wear them. I have that passion for things again, like theatre, which was one of the most important things in my life. I just have a little of that confidence back that I needed to feel good about myself. 
I don’t say it a lot, but I really am proud of myself. It may not seem like much to some people, but the things I have been able to accomplish in the past few months have been absolutely incredible. They can all only get better from here, I am hoping at least. 
so that is my eye opening moment for today. 
I am proud of myself. and I can do this. I WILL do this.

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